They love me, they love me not...

We all love ourselves a lil’ more than everyone. However much, you proclaim “I love you, mom and dad and…”, “I love you, honey…”, “I love you, this and that…” we have our ulterior motives of saying these things. For parents, yes, that umbilical cord is the emotional attachment factor and so many other things like my 1st brush with pepper and those unstoppable wails, my needlework punishments, and while away, if I have closed the doors and windows, switched off the lights, taken off my glasses after reading and well, well, it does get cantankerous at times. It’s that longing for those warm hands of Mama to come pat you when you are sooooo sad with fever and that look,Papa, please come and give me a huge bear hug to make me feel I am daddy’s best-est soldier.

To set records straight, we reciprocate love but I wonder if it is by default or mechanised or simply because we love to. We love for a reason because it matters, it matters to the people who expressed it, it matters to those who want to be loved and it also, matters to the cosmos who plans love stories for that happily after to the sunset kinda thing.

A friend said you can’t take away the right to love someone whether the favour is returned or not. The love remains, despite the indifference. It’s very selfish and very possessing.

It’s a complex equation, the balancing is even worse, trust me. You can either smother with love or frustrate. There is no rationale behind this, it just happens.

Some love(s) can not be questioned, some can be…some can be worked out, some arranged, some kind is just not happening, some very re-assuring, some love is so fulfilling and some so painful, and some kind is so perfect and longing for that one streak of adventure. Some come for a shilling and some for a Taj Mahal, some for nothing and some to nothingness.

Can you question it, anyway?? How can you have things like “true love” and all that? Love is love, right? You have it in all measures and sizes. I feel it’s like tasting wine, the more the merrier…my grandpa is going to shoot me for this, sorry!!!!

Let’s not bind, give space and be accommodating and all that also does not help too, since you drift and lose focus and get bored. Familiarity also kills you, what are we left with? Well, not much but some battered souls, scarred egos and smothered excuses.

Candy floss chewing gum tales, doll house stuff, lyrical affairs and what not, are only the symptoms of love, not love. But I love them anyway, :)

I love myself too much to give away. I know it’s bad, period.

Still smiles.


I know, I love to brag a lot and exaggerate it the celluloid effect, I think big, try and imagine big, everything has to be grand and ooh-so-happening. The outcome has not been pleasant always.My level of expectations has just about shot up so high that disappointment is a hard lump in the throat reality. It's again very different from the pursuit of picture perfect happiness.
What is that I really want, without settling for anything second best and compromising on my choice and discretion.No idea whatsoever.
Anyway, figured some basic things out tho'...
Keep mom and dad always smiling and wrinkle/crinkle free, in plain terms, happy and tensionless.This is not as simple as it seems to me even with my kinda track record. I am so obedient, god-fearing, helpful,miss goody two shoes sorts, won't drink,smoke blah blah, not a frugal spender :( my books and STD bills. I have never asked for pocket money from Dad the day I began working, that he wants to give me even after i am earning is a different story.
I am proud of my growing up years, where I would run home and do that extra 1.5 hours of tuitions to a few colony kids for that thousand rupees a month to sustain my ever spiralling expenses, you see, better time utilisation.I chose to miss that afternoon soap and movie and meeting/playing in the evening gave me solace.I would skip a 200 times to gain in height.
That labour into how to HCF and LCM and do your fractions and underline the verbs and put the prepositions changed to writing essays and RTCs, all for that fierce financial independence on how to manage and feel good earning your money.
Money needs to be spent but where and how??Priorities and needs play an important role.Saving for the rainy day, saving for that one grand gift you want to buy your loved one(s), getting a utility item and henceforth...
Happiness in small packets, big sizes and huge surprises come your way, grab them all,they may never be so generous ever.
Have a blue-print of what i want immediately,I need to pay my bills and buy my books, i need to study some more until I am tired and decide to earn a fortune. I am looking for the proverbial but elusive philosopher's stone that should take me places.
I will have no boyfriend for another couple of years until I am ready to take the carefully and willfully planned plunge.Prufrock said, he will grow old and he will grow old and he shall wear his trousers rolled.
It's an ageless wonder why we get confused over hearty matters, it's so hilarious given the champions that we are in charming/winning and ditching and playing agony aunt. The grass is always definitely greener on the other side.
I have devoured the sun, the moon and the galaxy in going pompous and egoistic just to prove my point that i seriously do possess the largest ego in the universe. But the times, they are a changing...I have given up on it and i am happier, I go over the moon about my sunny disposition.
Less melodrama, bigger bridges, small achievements,that's my bigger life.



I met with indifference, I defeated that with persuasion.Smiles and smiles, sometimes that can be misread-you are either dumb, appear to be or you are agreeable.Does being rude and firm help?? If a request cannot be appreciated, then arm twisting tactics are not welcome either.Anyway, any assumption is OK as long as your rootedness is not removed, let's keep human rights/assessment/judgment out of it.Sometimes, the other person's ignorance can be BLISS and cannot be blissful.Ouch!!

It's a week now, away from the familiar driver honks and curry pata, the ammas and the akkas and everything that describes what I call a temporary home away from home. It's a bizarre feeling of happiness or confused thrill to live life out of a suitcase.My laundry, upkeep of my den and my food taken care of in almost religious loyalty by a bunch of dedicated souls for a living back home. All of us are similar in the respect of a forever displaced sense, away from the familiar.It is up to us, what we do with where we are and all that. I love the getting away from the familiar and the brief interlude, it does you a world of good.

You have only you and no other support system per se.You have a phone which becomes more important than your life, there are some regular compulsory calls that you cannot do without. Getting home before the cows and the sun do is a major competition, I lose most times. The crash and bang of headlights, life gets cheaper than share prices. The rickshaw puller needs to hang on for a couple more people to make his day's wages meet his needs, his feet are frozen and heels cracked but his work must go on.
The watchman is warmly padded and never fails to say "good morning, madam" but he also wishes to be lost in the slumber of warmth in this chilly weather but the call of duty,or is it Karma??

Talking of karma is like dharma. Playing with loaded words is dangerous and more so, if you are not comfortable with what you are playing with. I keep it simple, I don't need any sadhguru to explain this to me, this is what I learnt from life in general. Karma is what you do, so do it right and Dharma is what you ought to do, so do it right.In any case, you have to do it right, right??
Ok, that's about it.

Life is not all dal and vegetables, it's amusing too with the anthropological confusion you can throw people at. It's not all that jazz all the time but it's a different perspective, and that is an experience for a lifetime, it is scary and one can get scarred. Any remedy other than playing safe, being careful and being a brave chicken??

Seeking answers.

Flights of whimtasy

On board the airbus, the stewardess strikes a professional pose and asks me, "madam, veg or non-veg," loud enough for the whole aircraft to hear, I smile at her and give my preference.
I had asked for a window seat or an aisle seat, hard luck the options were equally bad!!So, i travel sandwiched between a European gentleman and a young techie who was one his way to the States. He seemed super excited, he even remarked that the earphones would come in a pouch, what had become of them, displaying familiarity earns you brownie points and more smiles per hour. Trying to get started with the air premiere of Lage Raho Munnabhai was a comedy in itself,everyone was laughing aloud oblivious to the fact that no one heard them, :D

I jacked the earphones and went off to sleep, when I woke up food was being served and madame in short skirts asked me tea or coffee, black tea any day.The dragging of the food cart and the petulant demands of my co-passengers make this hospitality in the air a sad job, I don't feel it's rewarding in a wholesome manner except for the free travel from here and there. The diva like countenance and the layer of pancake, the 2/3 min sari wearing time, those nicely done hair, flashy pearlies and dazzling smiles are all good, very good and nice indeed but given the primitive mess of a discriminatingly male dominated whatever, I wonder how many of us really feel good about a profession like this.It's not all eyewash or hogwash but you always have a flip side.

I am pretty sure of the tilted ratio and preference of young girls, smartness and confidence notwithstanding by certain fliers. Not a bad scene since the concerted efforts are to maintain a healthy Customer Satisfaction. Anyway, a couple of suited-booted grumpy males gave some unnecessary trouble to the lady in short skirts, patient she was. When suggestion time came, yours truly was totally and not unceremoniously though, ignored over some tweed clad loudmouth, who spoke in a fake pseudo accent of some fringe LA county. Ok, I am not depressed at the state of affairs, hehe. I am practicing my smiles and my generosity with ignorant lesser mortals, simply ignore!!

Girl in short skirts must have been around 21/22. Just a wild thought, what would it be like if there was tipping in the aviation industry, how self-esteem(s) would be outraged and blah blah!!
She got a nasty suggestion, improve your body language, be more forthcoming and I like your smile kinds, I quite forgot to react at the reaction coz' all that she asked was in black and white and not a loud declaration, sad looneys!! Anyway, all I would have put is "No complaints, amazing service!!" She deprived me and that deprived me in some way of a duty/responsibility.

She was more than happy to have all of us thrown off board when our destination arrived. Having to deal with an airbus of mad people who all have their side of success stories and attitude full of temperaments is not an unusual cup of tea for her and her ilk. I admire her calmness and that gentle red that fades into anger management and a forced smile for the sake of greater things in the pipeline.

Smiles,not triumphant today.